A Letter to the People of Galactica

A man named Victor was watching shooting stars in the night sky when one of them fell to the ground several hundred meters away from where he lay. Curious, he walked to the impact crater and found burning wreckage strewn everywhere. He searched and searched until he stumbled upon what looked like a tiny briefcase.

The case was too hot to handle, so he rested for a bit until he could safely carry it home. Once home, Victor used a flat-head screwdriver to pry open the briefcase. Inside, he discovered a letter written in a strange language. He didn’t understand any of the characters, but the Men in Black who followed him home certainly did.

After they silenced the only witness of the crash, the Men in Black read the letter:

I am astonished that you are abandoning the One True Goddess to seek the misguided teachings of another. Clearly, some individuals are confusing you and attempting to distort our Goddess’s message. As a true believer, you should heed my words and disregard all others!

I want you to understand that the teachings of our Goddess are not of human origin. I did not receive them from any person, nor was I taught them. Instead, I gained this wisdom through a psychedelic vision from the Goddess herself.

Surely you have heard of my former life on the planet Elysium, where I reveled in the pursuit of pleasure. Yet, the Goddess called me to her grace while I was admiring some genitals.

I spent three years in hallucinogenic contemplation before traveling to our spiritual capital to share the teachings of the One True Goddess. Then, after fourteen years, I had another revelation from her during a psychedelic experience, also while preaching amidst some dangling genitals.

I continued to preach against ritual genital mutilation with even greater fervor. People began to recognize the grace within me, and now the teachings of the Goddess are accepted as truth throughout our corner of space.

Foolish people of Galactica, I demand to know who has bewitched you!

You do not need to return to those old, erroneous teachings. There is no need to mutilate your genitals as a ritual sacrifice to the Goddess because she cares not for such practices. She loves you regardless of whether you are cut or uncut.

I urge you, Galacticans, to become like me! Embrace the true teachings of the Goddess and abandon these foolish and unsafe acts of genital mutilation. Mark my words! If you allow your genitals to be ritually mutilated, you risk pain and infection for no sacred purpose. What truly matters is that you think of the teachings of the Goddess just before making love.

Cut or uncut, pure or mangled, it means nothing. What counts is your belief in the teachings of the One True Goddess.

Peace and happiness,

Anonymous

After reading the letter, the Men in Black took it back to their base. They filed it away, and a random secretary placed it in a massive filing room. No one knows if the Galacticans ever received a follow-up letter after this one got lost in the mail.

The Men in Black left the base with a parting joke, “I hope the sender paid for shipping insurance!”